Saturday, 14 January 2017


Starring Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Lara Pulver, James Faulkner, Charles Dance and Tobias Menzies. Written by Cory Goodman and directed by Anna Foerster. 91 minutes too long. $35 million budget. 15 certificate.

The plot to this movie is so labyrinth and convoluted that I simply don't have the wherefore all to do it justice so instead I give you this link to the film's Wikipedia page which does a bang up job of describing it.

Thus freeing me to launch into a gentle and none angry review.

Oh. My. Sweet. Mother-fucking. God. Please kill me now. Seriously what a total bag of utter bollocks. In fact this is a staggeringly useless and anemic sac of shit that it's left me debating which breed of cinematic vampire I hate more, these useless bunch of double fanged twats or the sparkly Twatlight ones? Honestly I can't decide. I mean by rights I should hate the Robert Paterson/Kirsten Stewart ones the most, but after this I really don't know any more.

Now, I have to admit to not having watched all the Underworld movies. I know I've seen the first one, and from what I dimly remember it was quite silly but fun, and I've seen one where this big hybrid vampire/werewolf thing was in it and Bill Knighy got sliced in half, and I seem to remember one really terrible one about a little girl, and there was one set in the past about a war between werewovles and vampires and had Michael Sheen in it, but I really don't know or care. Anyway, this fifth entry in the seemingly undead franchise brings back Kate Beckinsale as the Death Dealer Selene to wear a pretty impressive leather jump suit and kill werewolves. Shot entirely in infuriating grey and steel blue and featuring some genuinely unimpressive CGI effects this is a poe-faced, dull as ditch water stinker which is about as scary as a Scooby Do and Scrappy Do cartoon. The high points are Charles Dance who seriously deserves better and um, the death of one of the baddies which is wonderfully funny. Apart  from that, I'd rather have my teeth pulled than watch this again. Actually I'll never watch this piece of shit ever again, not if you paid me. Although I probably would if you paid me, but it would have to be atleast £10, cos' I'm not cheap.

There's a group of vampires in this stupid film that are clearly inspired by those Lord of the Rings Elves, being all white haired and crap. They seem utterly balls and die easier than ants.

God this was dull. Dull, dull dull. There's a big fight at the end which is okay, someone gets their spine ripped out and one of the vampires looks like my mate James so that was funny. But apart from that. Just don't bother.

Imagine all the cut-scenes of a rather inept first-person video game cut together into one film, and you'll get the idea.

I saw it so you didn't have to. Big balls 2/10.

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