Saturday, 18 June 2016


Starring Niklaj Coster-Waldau, Brenton Thwaites, Gerrard Butler, Chadwick Moseman, Elodie Yung, Courtney Eaton, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush. Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, directed by Alex Proyas. Budget $140 million, 127 minutes long.


Dear fucking gods, where to begin, where indeed? Should I mention the fucking gods awful CGI? What about the fucking dreadful acting, particularly the young Brenton Thwaites as Bek who is so fucking inept that it genuinely staggers belief, he spends the entire movie smirking even when his supposed one true love dies in his arms. Should I mention the fucking hideous script that is just filled with one embarrassing quip after another. The direction is pretty fucking gods awful too. But no the most fucking annoying thing about this dreadful sack of shit is the fucking sound track, the hateful, vile insidious never-ending fucking sound track that starts even before the fucking film has actually started as we view an endless stream of company logos and then doesn't stop until the very last shame-filled credit has crawled up the screen and the house lights come up and you hear the sound of the projectionist weeping because he's now watched this fucking piece of shit film more times than should be allowed by the human rights bill. 

Never in all my years of going to the cinema and watching movies have I ever been so aware of a soundtrack as I was with this film, it never stops, it's in every single fucking scene, there isn't a single silent moment in the whole stinking film, it tries to heighten tension and fails, it's there to bolster the romantic beats and doesn't and it's used to fill each and every moment, so that at no time can there said to be a quiet moment. And that's all the fault of a fucktard of extraordinary skill, the one, thank gods, the only, Marco Beltrami. It actually makes me hate this fucking, hateful piece of shit film even more.

I mean seriously this fucker, Marco Beltrami got paid to compose the sound track, he got actual money, honest to gods money, not Monopoly money, but money he could use to buy stuff like ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones so he doesn't have to hear the shit he composes. A quick check reveals that this tosser also did the score for the awful Fantastic Four which stunk up the cinema last year so it's clear that if you've made a shit film then this is the man you call. I'm sure he's got a long career ahead of him in the movies.

And talking of movies, what of this one, what's it about?

Well, thank you for asking, I'll tell you.

Well, let me rephrase that, I'll try and tell you because I'm not actually sure I understood it. But since you're pressing me I'll give it a go. Back in ancient Egyptian times when gods walked the earth one god on the day of his coronation, Horus (Niklaj) gets twatted by another god, Set (Gerrard) who then proceeds to enslave everyone and fucktard Brenton (oh god, I can't act) Thwaites tries to convince Niklaj who gets his eyes knocked out, lucky bastard, to help him bring back his dead girlfriend while Gerrard Butler kills off all the other gods so he can fight his dad, Ra (Geoffrey (I won an Oscar) Rush) because he never told his wayward son he loved him, thus bringing chaos into the world. Actually the only character I could relate to was Niklaj's blinded god because that lucky fucker got his eyes ripped out, this is the sort of film that makes you feel that might actually be preferable to watching it.

This film is frankly a stinking sac of shit, a vile, bloated dog's gonad of putrid shit. This film and Alice are the reasons I'm beginning to get a little depressed by going to the cinema, I simply can't take it anymore, it's breaking my heart, so much overblown, cgi bollocks vomited into our cinemas, how the fuck do these stinking films get funding, is this seriously the best that Hollywood can make? If so, then I'm converting to religion cos we are clearly in the end of days.

Plus it's fucking racist, there is only one black actor in the whole film and his role is pretty insulting every other actor is white and Anglo Saxon, obvs except for Niklaj Coster-Waldau who I have a man crush on.

Him aside, I seriously I can't think of a single thing to recommend this film, not one fucking thing. Oh wait, I can, and I'm sorry but I'm a man and I can't help myself, but the women in this film are very attractive particularly Courtney Eaton who can be my next wife if she's interested, but don't tell my current one.

2/10 for the plunging necklines and the forementioned Niklaj.


  1. I don't remember it being that good

  2. The scary thing is that makes me want to watch it...