Sunday, 14 February 2016


Starring Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Matthias Schoenaerts and Dakota Johnson. Written by David Kajganich and directed by Luca Guadagnino. Budget unknown, 124 minutes long.

Swinton plays some sort of rock goddess by the name of Marianne Lane, Matthias Schoenaerts is her suicide surviving boy friend of six years, Paul DeSemdt, Ralph Fiennes is Harry Hawkes - her ex-boyfriend of the six years prior to that and Dakota Johnson may or may not be Ralphie's 22 year-old estranged daughter, Penelope Lanier.

Lane and DeSemdt are enjoying a much needed holiday on an Italian island while she recovers from throat surgery and can't speak. Into their idyllic life barrels Hawkes and his daughter and before you can say, has Ralph Fiennes been watching Sexy Beast? he's taken over their lives and being just down right mildly irritating as he ingratiates himself back into Lane's life and we discover that he originally set Paul and Lane up when his own relationship with her faltered and now he wants her back.

After that, we watch as he digs and probes causing friction and seeding doubt while his 'daughter' does her best to fuck things up metaphorically and literally. This all trundles along until one of these charmless fuckers dies, then the film changes tack and becomes some sort of thiller as a half-hearted police investigation is launched and concluded, a piffling secret is revealed before the film sort of ends without any closure of any kind and you go home bewlidered and frustrated that you've just lost two and a half pigging hours of your life when you should have been home bastard well finishing off a cartoon strip.

Jesus H. Pigging Christ on an F-ing stick! M'lord, I was conned, I thought this was a sequel to the Darryl Hannah and Tom Hanks film, Splash. And the trailer made this look like a different film altogether, instead of the psychological thriller it promised we have four self-indulgent fuckers mopping about on holiday being sickeningly middle-class and smug.

With a jarring, soundtrack of 1970's rock tunes, predominately The Rolling Stones, this looks nice thanks to the scenery and location and has an abundance of nudity both male and female. beyond that, there's a strange 3rd act introduction of illegal migrants that seems to be there for no other reason than to try and tidy up some of the more gapping plot holes.

Leaving the viewer with more questions than answers, which I'm sure was the attention of the director and writer. This was a irritating film that just leaves you hanging at the end, leaving several massive plot points utterly unresolved.

Total art-house piss. 4/10

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