Friday, 10 April 2015


#13 JUPITER ASCENDING (07/02/15)

Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne and Sean Bean. Written and directed by the Wachowskis. 127 minutes far too long.

Hmm, right. There's this family run by Eddie Redmayne what owns most of the galaxy including the Earth, which they seeded with humans and have been waiting for the right moment to harvest them, which luckily enough just so happens to be now. Then on Earth, there's this Russian toilet cleaner, Mila Kunis who just so happens to be the re-incarnation of the Empress of the Galaxy, which she doesn't know. Anyway, Eddie's lot want her dead cos she can save the world, and Bean's lot want her alive. So half wolf, half pixie, Caine Wise, played by Channing Tatum the deadliest warrior E-VER is sent to protect her from a slew of baddies. Lots of chasing goes on around New York, or Chicago or LA, whatevs, didn't care then, care even less now. Luckily, Tatum rescues her and takes her to Bean who lives on Earth raising bees, whom we discover are genetically programmed to swam around royalty and detect lies. Eddie's bunch are living inside Jupiter and his various brothers and sisters swan around being cunning and stuff. Luckily, Kunis is 'the one' and so she sods off into outer-space to be recognised as the re-incarnated Empress of the Galaxy and there thwart the greed of Eddie.

After that there's lots of sequences where lots of pixels explode and people dangle off tall things, or fly around tall things, or fall off tall things or get rescued off tall things before the whole thing mercifully ends and we can all go home.

A lot's been said about how great this film looks but I say whop-die doop. These days ALL films look good, CGI can create anything so saying a film looks good today is like saying water is wet.

This is a film that made just 5 million more than its budget thus making it one of the most expensive flops of all times. What has happened to the Wachowskis? I loved Matrix, simply loved it. I enjoyed Bound and I even thoroughly enjoyed Cloud Atlas. But this just feels like a pale Matrix rerun, it's dull, it's boring and it's crushingly un-original. I'll give them kudos for trying to create a new science fiction film universe but why did they have to populate it with such guff and then make it so dull and un-involving? And seriously and apologises in advance if I'm ruining the ending but are you seriously telling me that given the chance to cruise the galaxy as Empress or staying on Earth cleaning out toilets you'd much rather stay on Earth? Fuck off. 

By no means as dreadful as Matrix 3, but just, alas, dull, bland and rather boring.


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