Saturday, 13 December 2014

#89 THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

#89 THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE  FIVE ARMIES

Directed by Peter Jackson, written by Jackson, Fran Walsh, Philappa Boyens and Guillermo Del Torro. Starring loads of people including Martin Freeman, Orlando Bloom, Luke Evans, Evangeline Lilly. 144 minutes long.

I slept through most of the last one, I remember there was a dragon in it, voiced by Bendy Dick Currant-Bun, also there was Stephen Fry and an old Dr. Who, added to that was that Irish bloke from Cold Feet and that one from Spooks who along with Arthur Dent from the Office and Magnetto (the old one, not the younger one) who were all trying to break into a mountain and steal a dragon's gold (think Goldfinger meets Ocean's 11 via Conan The Destroyer)  for some reason or another. Anyway, that one ended with the dragon flying out of his mountain home and heading for a lake-based town. This part, number three if you're counting, starts with lake home obliterated by dragon and Luke Evans in prison. Not to give too much away at this stage but dragon is dead 15 minutes later.

Hooray you say, I should be out of here in a minute or two, but no, god, fucking no, there's still another 130 minutes or two hours and ten minutes to go. And that's two hours and ten minutes of humans, Elves and Dwarves fighting Orcs, trolls and goblins. You're not allowed to ask questions either at this stage. No, 'hang on minute, what happened to the Spice Worms?' or, 'war-breed Orcs die very easily don't they?' or, 'Seriously, there's no way that many boring, old, overweight Drawves can hold off an entire Elvish army.' And not forgetting my favourite, 'By Christ I thought Lord of the Rings III: Return of the Twin Towers of the King's Fellowship had a lot of endings.' which I know isn't a question but you get the idea. Finally there's the, 'Say, isn't that guy the bad guy from Gaurdians of the Galaxy?' one too.

The battle goes on. And on, and on and on and on. And then on some more. Then it seems to end, but it's just a break before carrying on where it left before. Luckily it ends before your life does, but not after having gone on for a very long, long time. Much longer than is perhaps necessary as you, the viewer, don't really care about any of these stinking little, whining fuckers anyway, cos when the dust finally settles, only two of the stupid tossers is actually dead, which is amazing cos I seriously thought the old one and the really, really overweight one, was going to die. But no, most of the Dwarves survive to do fuck all another day, cos they're never heard of ever again. 

Anyway, since I don't really care about any of these big footed, tiny halfwits what did I think of the rest of it? Well, it's okay, nice effects but this is no Lord of the Rings. Since this was always going to be the case of second child syndrome, there's not much to say. I've seem much worse than this and I've seen a lot better. If you've seen the first two go then I suppose you might as well go and see this one and finish off the set, otherwise I'd probably give it a pass. There's no effort to explain what went before and even I who sat through most of it didn't quite know what the hell everything nor who everybody was.

Looked good, some nice action, earnest performances and it's directed by the man who did Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles and Braindead.

6/10

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