Sunday, 29 December 2013


#48 AFTER EARTH (between 3-18 June)

Shocked to discover I hadn't written a review of this, despite seeing it at the cinema with Baxter and for the life of me I don't know why not.

Oh, wait I do, it was so dull and boring I simply forgot it even existed.

Will Smith turns off his immense charisma and steps aside to allow his plank-like his son to prove the age-old adage that talent skips generations. Thank goodness for his daughter, Willow's simply fantastic, 'I Whip My Hair Back and Forth' to save the family name.

Anyway, Will and Jaden get separated and marooned following a space ship crash on Earth, millions of years after it was devastated by blah blahs nuking the planet and now its inhabited by evolved monkeys and pigeons (hang on, I think this might be a sequel to Tom Cruise's Oblivious). To make matters worse, Will and Jaden's space ship was carrying one of the aliens and now its loose and hunting them. To make matters even worse, Will is slowly bleeding to death and can't move so only interacts with his son via a phone. And to make matters the WORSTEST EVER, it's directed by M. Night Shamalla Ding Dong aka 'One Trick', as his Hollywood buddies call him. A director so useless and dull that all but one of his films are now used instead of anesthesia for patients with needle phobias.

I'd urge you not to see it but frankly if you've not bothered by now, I doubt you will. So lucky you.


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