Friday, 8 March 2013

FILM #20 HANSEL AND GRETAL: WITCH HUNTERS

Sweet mother of god, what the fuck were they thinking when they pitched this in Hollywood?

"Say guys, let's take an old kid's fairytale, like say Hansel and Gretal and create a film that kiddies can't see, adults won't want to and teenagers couldn't care less about!"

"Great idea, Doug! And just to make sure, let's make it a 15 so we can stop the little ankle biters from seeing it!"

""I like it, Brad! But we also don't want to alienate our 25 year-old demographic who secretly love children's fairytales, so let's make it ultra gory and let's get some good old fashioned nudity in there too!"

"Guys, our research shows that teenagers only relate to characters with American accents so let's make sure that Hansel and Gretal are both American!"

"I think swearing is neat and it makes for a very grown up film, so let's put load of F-bombs into this film, even though it's jarring and out of place!"

"Next, we got to make it as gory as possible, but not too gory, we don't want a R rated film on our hands! Also, because the NRA are sponsoring us we need to put as many guns in this film as possible and can we get a chaingun in it, I love those!"

"I'm worried that the finished film won't be dark and murky enough and that the kids will see that this is a really shitty film."

"Don't worry, we'll convert it to 3D that should make it REALLY murky and unwatchable."

"I think we've covered everybase so let's start filming!"

"Wait a minute guys, we don't have a script!"

"A script? Where we're going we don't need a script!"

"er, where are we going?"

"Bargin bucket in Lidl."

3/10 Avoid, it's a piece of shit.

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