Friday, 29 March 2013

#32 THE HOST (29.3.13)

Saorise Ronan, Max Irons, Boyd Holbrook, Diane Kruger, William Hurt, written and directed by Andrew Niccol.

Earth has been taken over by parasitic aliens who have transformed the world, ridding it of povety, war and disease all in exchange of free will. But when teenager Melanie (Saorise Ronan) is captured by the Seekers and taken over by a thousand year-old alien traveler called, Wanderer, she fights back. Somehow she manages to convince her alien host to help her reunite with her boyfriend and brother and the remnants of the human resistance living in a hippy commune somewhere secret in the Nevada desert under the protection of said girl's uncle played by William Hurt, there to add a spot of class to the proceedings.

Stephanie Myers has much to be guilty of, she wrote the Twat-light books which were made into the terrible Twat-light movies starring human cardboard cut-out Kristen Stewart and Robert Paterson who, if he was a super-hero would be known as 'Chin Man, or just 'The Chin', or perhaps the 'Dark Chin' so rugged and chiseled is his awesome chin. That series of films dealt with a love triangle between a dead behind-the-eyes, pouting, angst-riden, teenage, personality-free girl, a one-hundred year-old, vampiric pedophile and a Native-American were-poodle.

In this film, Stephanie Myers ups the love angles to create a new type of situation, the Love Quadrangle. Cue much earnest mugging and chaste kissing while mankind, or at least woman-kind learns to love the alien. 

From the trailer I was expecting something more cerebral and though-provoking and not so much chaste kissing (no tongues) and staggeringly earnest young men, who - when they weren't slapping the shit out of Saorise Ronan, were intent on kissing her, when she wasn't slapping them. In a world controlled by alien parasites everyone is very serious and prone to slapping each other really hard in the face. The aliens are staggering peaceful and the humans heroically stoic. Apart from the slapping of course.

If only they could all just get along. But, what do you know, in the end, love conquers all. Well if it was good enough for Captain Kirk it's good enough for me.

I hate teenagers at the best of times and in this I just loathed them, vile and ghastly species I long for a film where an enlightened alien arrives on Earth and starts slaughtering teenagers because on his world they are the enemy. I'm hoping I get cast as the Alien. It's going to be called: I Was a Teenage Killer From Out of Space.

Sadly this didn't live up to the classy trailer and I found myself a tad bored by the whole thing. I'm grateful there wasn't a huge battle at the end or a neat and tidy conclusion but it all felt just too toothless.

Special mention goes to Saorise Ronan, who is an excellent actress and very beautiful too. She last rocked my world in the hit-girl movie Hanna directed by Joe Wright and I look forward to what she does next.


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