Friday, 29 March 2013

#31 G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (29.3.13)

DWAYNE JOHNSON, JONATHAN PRYCE,  BRUCE WILLIS, CHANNING TATUM. 

THE G.I. JOES ARE IMPLICATED IN A POLITICAL ASSASSINATION IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD'S MEDIA AND BROUGHT TO JUSTICE BY A 'NOT-WHAT-HE -SEEMS' PRESIDENT. ACTUALLY WHO CARES, WHAT THE PLOT IS, THE FILM MAKERS DIDN'T AND I CERTAINLY DON'T. 

THIS IS THE FIRST FILM TO PROUDLY DO AWAY WITH THE WHOLE OLD-FASHIONED IDEA OF A PLOT AND JUST SHOOT LOTS OF PEOPLE SHOOTING GUNS, FIGHTING, CHOPPING, SLICING OR DICING EACH OTHER UP (WITHOUT EVER DROPPING A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD), BLOWING STUFF UP AND DRIVING, FLYING OR STEERING EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF MILITARY EQUIPMENT THAT THE US OWNS ON LAND, SEA AND AIR!

THE FIRST FILM WAS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY A GROUP OF 10-YEAR-OLDS WHO WERE ALL VERY HIGH ON SUGAR AND FIZZY POP!

LUCKILY FOR ALL CONCERNED, HOLLYWOOD VERY CLEVERLY DECIDED NOT TO FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP WITH THIS SEQUEL BY COMPLETELY IGNORING THE NEED OF A SCRIPT!

INSTEAD, WHAT THEY DID WAS TO FILM A GROUP OF BOYS ALL PLAYING A HUGE WAR GAME AND THEN JUST DUPLICATE IT FOR A MOVIE WITH LOTS OF STUNT MEN AND THE COMBINED MIGHT OF EVERY CGI COMPANY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!

THIS IS WITHOUT DOUBT THE MOST RELENTLESS SILLY, RIDICULOUS AND OVER-THE-TOP ACTION FILM I HAVE SEEN IN AGES! THERE ARE ATOMIC MISSILES, WHOLE CITIES OBLITERATED, MILLIONS OF ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION FIRED AND MORE NINJA AND SWORD FIGHTS THAN I COULD COUNT! 


AND EVERY WORD OF DIALOGUE COULD EASILY BE REPLACED BY THE WORD RHUBARB AND IT WOULDN'T MAKE THE BLIND BIT OF DIFFERENCE!

IF YOU WANT A TOUCHING, MOVIE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND EMOTIONS THEN LOOK AWAY BUT IF YOU'RE A BOY OVER THE AGE OF 7 YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE EVERY GODDAM SECOND OF THIS UTTERLY, CRITIC-PROOF, INSANE PIECE OF CINEMATIC INSANITY! I KNOW I DID!

CLEARLY WHEN SOMETHING IS LOUDER, BIGGER AND FASTER THAN ITS PREDECESSOR  IT'S OBVIOUSLY BETTER!

7/10!!!!!


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