Saturday, 16 February 2013



So, that's Schwartznegger, Stallone and Willis all releasing action films in the space of just one month of each other. An event as unique as last year's alinement of planets but with one major difference. The planets aligning was exciting and interesting.

Something that Bullet to the Head and Die Hard aren't. Of the three, Die Hard is easily the worst offender, mainly because it should have been the easiest one to get right. For god's sake it had Willis in it for a start, a man with so much charisma he carries a government health warning, he used to have a terrific track record for action films. Well, that's a record he's just taken one great big dump on!

This is a piss-awful and wretched piece of shit. A stupid, inept and crap action-film without a single sequence or scene to recommend it. Have you seen the trailer, remember the bit where the incredibly attractive biker girl unzips her leather cat-suit to reveal a stunning body in a black, bulging bikini, well that's not in this film. IT'S EDITED OUT!

The villains are all idiots and unlimited in number, I couldn't tell you how many of them there were or either what their plan was. They exist only to shoot badly and die easily. Nor could I explain how they kept managing to turn up and find the McClanes.

This is a seriously stupid film that's so inept it's painful. There is no internal logic, it's lazy, dull and crushingly slow and boring. It's only 92 minutes long and you feel every single, tedious second of it.

It's all shot by shaky cam and edited by a man with visual tourettes.

I love the original Die Hard movie, I've lost count of the number of times I've seen it and this latest installment is a pitiful travesty to its memory.

Actually, come to think of it, I truly hated this film, fucking hated it. Hated every single, stinking, stupid, lazy, pointless, second of it. Hated it so much it makes me angry.

Don't waste you money on it. Instead rewatch any of the first three Die Hard movies, actually even the last one wasn't that bad. But this one just blows huge chunks of bile and it very nearly manages to tarnish the memory of the first.

Willis and Fox must TRY HARDER or DIE TRYING!



10 Stupid things that don't make any sense in this stupid film. 
If any of you can explain just one of these to me convincingly then I will change my score and opinion of this film and give it a 10/10.

1. John McClane spends an entire flight from JFK to Moscow reading all the evidence in a police document about a crime his son has committed in a foreign country. The problem, the document is all in Russian, beyond looking at the picture of his son, what does McClane hope to achieve, he can't  read Russian!? Similarly, what exactly does McClane think he can do when he arrives in Moscow, his son has broken the law and is being tried fairly? McClane's plan seems to be to stand outside the courthouse and watch his son turn up. WHY?

ALSO! How does McClane have time to gen up on the case, it happens the day before, he wouldn't even hear about it. How is he able to get the actual police report? Why would he get it? how could he get it? What.

How come his daughter hasn't heard about her brother and the crime he's accused of committing? The. 

Come to think of it, is that really the best plan a C.I.A agent can come up with to get close to his target? FUCK!

2. McClane survives the following without a scratch:
     a. Three massive, high speed, vehicular crashes which includes his truck dropping off a flyover.
     b. He jumps through at least three huge plates of glass without a single cut,
     c. He takes two savage blows to the face from the butt of a shotgun and doesn't lose a single tooth,
         receive a concussion or even suffer a bruise, let alone a cut.
     d. He jumps off a 20 storey building and walks away without even a limp,
     e. He runs around and even swims in water in Chernobyl without any ill effects. CHERNOBYL
         for god's sake, that's where there was a nuclear meltdown! HOW IS ANY OF THIS

3. The lead baddie, who is called Dancer, doesn't execute McClane and his idiot son even when he has them on their knees, hand cuffed and unarmed. He taunts them. WHY?

4. At no point in this film do the regular Russian police force ever show up and attempt to investigate the serious amounts of collateral damage that McClane and the baddies are wreaking. WHY?

5. The McClanes drive from Moscow to Chernobyl in a couple of hours, that's a distance of 430 miles! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

6. When do the villains have time to swap from their Hind Gunship for the heavy body Mil Mi-26 helicopter after leaving Moscow? WHEN?

7. Talking of helicopters, the villain, who is called Dancer, at one point in this film travels from the 20th story of one building, across the road before traveling up to at least the 10th floor of another building to get into a helicopter all in the space of 2 minutes. HOW?

8. What actually happens to all the people in the packed courtroom when the three car bombs go off. There appears to be only two people in the room when the baddies turn up. WHAT?

9. Just how many innocent civilians does McClane seriously injure or kill when he's driving his jeep over the tops of cars or ramming other cars off the road? HOW MANY?

10. The McClanes outrun the Hind 24 gun ship's 12.7mm Mini-guns which fires 4000 - 5000 rounds per minute. HOW?

1 comment:

  1. Just heard form the makers, they want to use "a piss-awful and wretched piece of shit." on the movie posters if you're okay with that.