Saturday, 19 January 2013

Film #7 Zero Dark Thirty (14.1.13)

#7 Zero Dark Thirty

This meaty treat weighed in at a whopping 157 minutes and needed one desperate loo break to finish. God my bladder actually thanked me, I heard it in my head. 'God bless you,' it sobbed, 'God bless you.' and the relief I felt, as my bladder emptied, actually made me shudder, seriously a shiver of delight ran up my spine and made me whimper with glee.

The trouble is when you've been waiting that long to have a pee, as in holding it in, it takes a while for anything to happen, so you're standing there angrily arguing with your own junk trying to get it to function so you can get back to the film, which is exactly when someone else comes into the toilet, as you're cursing your penis.

Sadly, I then have to return to the darkened cinema and stumble over my fellow audience members  to get back to my seat. Tell me, why is it, cinema patrons are so selfish? Why do they not stand up to let you pass (I always do)? Why is it they always leave their freaking bags wedged at their feet so you fall over them ( I tuck mine under my seat)? And why is it they then have to tut and make stupid sounds to convey their frustation as you pass, haven't I just politely said, 'excuse me please,' and then apologised as only a British gentleman can? It's almost like they believe that the only reason I've come to the cinema is to wait until half way through just so I can get up and barge past them. I only ever tut at fellow patrons when they are late arriving in the cinema and are trying to get to their seat after the film has started, seriously if I had my way, you wouldn't be allowed to enter the cinema once the film had started.

My only criticism of ZDT, I missed the songs, surely if Les Mis can shoehorn in 157 minutes worth of them into its running time, why couldn't Biglow get just one?


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