Sunday, 27 January 2013

FILM #12 LAST STAND (26.1.13)


Arnie Action Film Check list.

1. Arnie must say: "I'll be back."  TICK!
2. Arnie must now reference his age by saying: "I'm too old for dis shit." (or similar) TICK!
3. Arnie must face the baddy for a mano-a-mano showdown at the climax of the movie. TICK!
4. The film must have a deranged baddy. TICK!  
5. Arnie must have a wise-cracking sidekick TICK!  (x4!)
6. Arnie must carry, or fire a huge machine gun which is at least as big as he is. TICK!   
7. Arnie must, in at least one scene, wear sunglasses. TICK! 
8. Arnie's character MUST have a background either as an elite soldier, lawman or DEA agent.  TICK!   
9. Arnie must, at some point during the film, be seen to 'gear-up' with a huge array of weapons. TICK! 
10. One of Arnie's 'team' will have to die to motivate Arnie to get 'back in der saddle', so to speak. TICK! 

Welcome back to the old-school action flick, thanks to the return of its king, Arnie! Der King of der vun liner is bach too bring der pain! In his first starring film since 2003's Terminator 3.

And have no doubts, this film is old-school with a capital 'O'! As in "OOOH MY GOD, I'M COMING!!"

Gone are the dreadful shaky-cam or fast editing that ruined so many recent action films, this was solid, wham-bam thank-you-mam action - 90's style! Light on angst but heavy on hot, sweaty, gun porn. Long, loving, lingering shots of bullets sliding into gapping breaches, full magazines slapped into butts, shells pumped into barrels and countless close-ups of guns spurting endless streams of rounds into bodies, cars and buildings in huge gouts of blood, gore, glass, metal and brick dust.

Obviously, because Arnie ain't as young or fast as he used to be, the baddies in this film decide to play by Marquis of Queensbury Gun-Battle Rules and only shoot in strict turns and then only after one of the goodies has fired first. Luckily too, the baddies have made an unseen vow not take advantage of the goodies, even if they have them dead-to-rights in their sights and to let them get away and regroup. In this film the heroes survive multiple gun shot wounds and even a rocket strike while the bad guys go down after a single shot, unless of course it looks better to dance as 17 shots rip through your chest. The bad guy's lead henchman has a gun that never needs reloading and getting stabbed multiple times in the thighs with a six inch blade means you might end up with a slight limp and a bandaid but not all of your blood pouring out of your body.

This was silly stuff that never took itself even remotely seriously, chocker-block full of gun battles, punch-ups and fast and furious car chases, it's every thing you want from an action film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and while it was on I enjoyed it, thoroughly. Although afterwards I had shower to try and wash away the guilt.


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