Saturday, 12 January 2013

Film #3. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (5.1.13)


To paraphrase Sinatra. "Then I had to go and spoil it all by seeing Texas Chainsaw 3D."What was I thinking? Why could I have been so foolish? What could have possessed me? Pardon me for a moment but in my humble opinion the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is one of the finest horror films ever made, it scared the crap out of me as a student and has long held a special and rare place in my heart, that of a film that genuinely scared me.

This vile and utterly pointless, useless and needless 'remake' sequel has literally nothing of any merit to mark it as worth seeing, it's not scary, it's not gory, it's not remotely well made. The actors are as inept as they are badly written. The plot holes are yawing and nothing happens, except all the kids, except one, and the bad men meet horrible ends at the hands of an elderly leatherface, In this version, Leatherface is still the 'original' version but he has a limp, is very slow and you can't help thinking very close to pension age. He's as about as scary as your grandad welding an electric carving knife over the Christmas turkey. The 3D is among the worst I have ever seen. This is some seriously dull and boring film making.

This actually makes the 7th film in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. SEVENTH! And the best thing I can say about it is that it means that Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is no longer the worst film in this franchise.

Okay, so why did I see it? Because I'm still searching for a film worse than Battlefield Earth and/or The Room. I yearn for a film so bad, it makes me laugh and I enjoy it for its crapiness. Alas, this wasn't it.

I saw it so you don't have too!


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